Audience Feedback

I  did some audience research involving my class and a class of students in the years above and got them to write down comments of what they thought of the opening two minutes and here’s what they said;

I have got about 20 responses for my audience feedback, which are all generally positive.

The majority said they liked the shots selection and variety of images used and that the poem was very fitting with the images.
Others said the 'music worked well'.
'It was very moving'.
'The story was engaging and fitted the images'
'The old pictures were really effective'.
'The title 'A Broken Promise' works well, it's really sad and goes with the film'.
'The actress was really cute'. (not that that makes a difference)
'The footage is flowing and doesn't jump from one clip to the other'.
'I really like it, i can also relate to it :('
'Really love the poem, has so many meanings'
'good variety of shots'
'Like the close up shots, work really well in getting you emotionally attactched to the little girl'
'How she cries at the end, awwhhh'

My criticsms however;
a few people mentioned that a 'couple of the shots were shakey'
'could have used a tripod'
'The mouth doesn'st move in time with the words the girl is saying'

The pictures above are a few of the comments from the year above, who were alot mor critical than my own peers. I'd by lying if i said i was totally happy with all of these comments however i take all comments like this constructively, and will be sure to work on the negative points in any future productions or work. Lokking back a month after making my opening two minute film i do agree with some of the comments and think it probably would have been pbetter the sync the words in time with how the mouth moved.

Evaluation

In what way does your media product, use, develop or challenge forms and conventions of real media products?

I feel like my media product and final opening two minutes of the film ‘A broken Promise’ conforms some media conventions, as it’s quite hard to avoid or come up with a totally new fresh and original idea which nobody has produced before with film taking up a huge percentage and proportion of media in general over such a long period of time. When first planning what I wanted to produce for my opening two minutes I had my mind set on doing a mockumentary because I really liked the ideas of voiceovers, however I decided against the idea as I found it very hard to convey humour and comedy through a short opening, as there is only so much you can do. After deciding against this I was still certain that I wanted produce a piece with with a poem, where my inspiration came from a childhood favourite ‘Matilda’ directed by Danny DeVito based on the novel written by Roald Dahl, or narration such as ‘The Lovely Bones’  produced by Peter Jackson. I found that films similar to these where narration is used such as ‘American Beauty’, ‘Sin City’ and ‘Forest Gump’ to name a few really draws an audience in and communicates to them the story, it also has a powerful effect in the sense that it allows the audience to be placed in that persons position. In my opening two minutes I opted towards the poem as the poem used was one my sister and I had wrote through personal experience which is where my idea originated from. Here is where my film challenges many other films because it was inspired through personal experience and therefore obviously creates close emotion for me which I hoped to portray in the two minutes and for other people to feel as if they can put their selves in that position. Deciding to go with a drama genre which has a sad story behind it, about a father leaving his family i concluded that this emotion was best portrayed through using a child actor as again using 'Matilda' as an example, you automatically feel sorry for her having a mother and father who care so little.

In what way does your media product represent different social groups?

I think that my media product ‘A broken Promise’ can represent all social groups. Admittedly it wasn’t one of my main focuses or aims to portray this type of representation in the opening two minutes of my film, However I think that any class, social group, ethnicity and people from any background could relate to a problem such as family breakdowns which could potentially happen to anybody no matter who they are or where they come from.

What kind of media institution might distribute your media and why?

What is an institution?

An Institution is a company that disperses a media product for audience consumption.

Where would an institution disperse a film product?

A film would generally go to a cinema either nationally or internationally, it would then go on to be sold as merchandise through shops as DVD’s, soundtracks etc.

What else does an institution do?

Before making a film the directors and producers go to an institution to pitch their idea for a film and potentially find out whether the institution would fund their project underway.

After researching in to films, writing up essays and completing case studies on films such as ‘This is England’, ‘Half Nelson’ and ‘Last Resort’ and looking at which institution distributed them I came to a decision that mine was very similar with all being heavy story based productions they were distributed through mainly the BBC. Other includes the UK film council, Film Four and Vertigo Films.

There are many film distributors and production companies with the main and most well-known making up the’ 6 conglomerates’ which house and accommodate the majority of the film industry. I however wouldn’t want my film distributed by any of these as I would not class it as a mainstream type of film and strongly believe in independent cinema.

I researched more into these institutions to decide whether they really would suit my film. BBC films are in the forefront producing British Independent films and produce many feature films. They are ‘committed in finding and developing new talent’ BBC films appears to suit my film most and produces quality made films as opposed to any of the big 6 with their main aim being to target a mass audience and generate as much profit as possible. I would hope that choosing an institution such as the above would attract the interest of many UK film audiences and help to widen the niche audience market through a form of social realism in film.

Who would be the audience for your media product?

For my film to be successful, it is vital that I establish a specific target audience that I believe my film will appeal to in particular and the demographic that I believe would enjoy the film the most through factors such as relating to the characters and identifying themselves with the setting, the plot and so on. I believe that the main demographic who would enjoy this film are film goers who fit in to the category of ‘mainstream plus’

After conducting audience research before producing my opening two minutes it revealed that this type of drama genre was watched by a mainstream plus audience. Mainstream films are targeted for all cultures and audiences, with the dominating culture and audience being the primary marketing focus, while sub-genre films are marketed towards only one specific culture and audience. Mainstream films often recruit talent from all film genres and backgrounds. Being more specific my target audience would be mainstream plus independent cinema goers. These types of audiences are audiences primarily looking for good, new, innovative films and are willing to veer from the typical films and are generally aesthetically inferior.

I think that my film could target all ages, but mainly ages ranging from 14-45 and most probably female viewers as it’s a sad storyline and statistics show that males in this age range tend to prefer films in the action and comedy genres.

How did you actually address your audience?

Obviously after conducting my market research, I knew who my target audience was, mainstream plus and the niche that enjoy social realism. This made it easier in my head for me to address my audience as even if they haven’t been in a situation like the one being portrayed in the film  themselves, they can relate to these ‘real life’ issues.

I believed that it is important to engage my audience through an opening sequence, in order to hook our audience into wanting to see our film and to advertise our film to get the best audience response. This is why I used a poem at the beginning with the hope that it would draw them in and be catchy with the use of narration and diegetic sound. So the story in the form of a poem was my main form of addressing the audience, however with this I had the aim of wanting to leave them thinking what the story actually is because in a poem it leaves you thinking of a meaning behind it, which I personally prefer in films instead of being given a clear story line at the beginning of a film. Whilst filming I also tried to use a range of shots, so it wasn’t just the same shot, which would make it quite boring. I used long shot, close up, extreme close ups, panning shots, over the shoulder shot, both high and low angle shots to name a few to keep the images flowing. The choice of character, a little girl, I selected with the hope that this would grab the audience’s attention because I don’t think people would be so interested if it was a person of an older age experiencing this issue, whereas it’s a really hard thing for such a young child to deal with. I found this out through audience research also. The choice of sound I used was sad music, this would hopefully address the audience as it’s sad music and bodes well with the footage and story itself.

What have you learnt about technologies from the process of constructing the product?

When editing my film there were two main programmes I used, the predominant one being Adobe Premiere Pro, the other Adobe After Effects. With Media being very new to me I had no experience whatsoever in using the two mentioned above or any other programmes used in class on other tasks such as Photoshop. We had the chance to use technologies such as freeze framing, ‘the wiggler effect’ (which we did on the teletubbies sunshine), creating opacity on an image, colour corrections and masking. These little tasks and plays around with the programmes in class did help a little bit, therefore I wasn’t a complete newbie when it came to editing the opening two minutes. Whilst making my film I used audio, which I sourced from home and then learnt how to import it in the premiere pro and place it on the timeline, like the video clips needed also. Once the clips were all imported and placed on the time line you could pick and drag the clips to where you wanted them. After playing around on the programme I found effects which I added to the audio such as fade in and fade out, I also added clips to the clips such as fade, gradual dissolve etc.  I added my titles using the same programme because I had difficulty in using after effects to create titles. I understood how to create them and create effects on the title using the wiggler and would feel confident in saying I can use this particular programme, however it was the importing which I had trouble with as the background was no longer transparent after importing it to premiere pro covering the whole image, which was a shame. Creating my titles on Premiere, I found very simple to use, I had to add each title separately to the timeline and choose the duration and effects in wanted. I can say I am more confident in using this programme. However I would like to learn to use photoshop in order to create better images or new effects.

Looking back at your preliminary task, do you feel like you have learnt progression from it to the full product?

I have learnt a lot producing my project. The first factor that spring to mind is the importance of planning efficiently.  For the preliminary task we began filming with almost no planning or we had very little, meaning the ideas we had were not so great, however the two girls, alice and caitlin I was paired with had the aim and focused on the task in hand, which asked us to consider shots and exchange dialogue. Planning a film secondly makes you consider mise on scene a lot more, considering location and how it fits in with the film, I chose a quiet deserted track, with the hope that it would give off a sense of loneliness in relation to how the actress was feeling and the words that accompanied it.  In the preliminary task the choice of location was just the nearest room, basically the thought processing behind this task was extremely diminutive. It did however help with respect to the fact that I had an understanding of what sort of thing we needed to do when it came to creating the film opening. Because this was the first time I used the programmes and putting together short clips, I obviously had no previous experience and although we all had an equal role in creating the preliminary task, there were two other group members and I guess you just relied on them for some of the workload, so when it came to doing it for myself, I felt very responsible and was excited at the same time. Lighting was another aspect which I had to consider when it came to creating my film. Whilst shooting the preliminary, we had to shoot it a second time because the lighting in the first one was either too bright and grainy on the long shots and far too dark on the close ups. Another consideration was the continuity and whether the images flowed smoothly from one clip to another. When shooting the preliminary we shot a clip of someone walking through a door from one side and coming in again from the other, but learning to cut clips at the right point was a very vital lesson which I actually enjoy analysing and looking at in real films.

Script for 'A Broken Promise'

This is the poem which will be said in the first two minuets of the film.

I am not the way I used to be
I am stronger and wiser as you can see
Remember my words my father said;
As he cradloed me up and laid me to bed
You will someday be a lady with a life of your own
With someone to love you as i have shown
I will always be herre to lend you a hand
To help you guide you when you don't understand;
Somehow I believed his words, I see
he was not the father he turned out to be.
Instead he was a man that did not care'
My mother was my father because he was not there.
I often cry myself to sleep
My fathers love was not mine to keep
I miss my father i won't lie
Not a single hug, or one last goodbye.
He is now a free man to roam
Not worrying of his family or coming home;
He walked out of my life and never turned my way,
Oh why daddy, why didn't you stay?

After this poem has been read out, the little girl acting this part says;
My name is Amelia Archer, I'm nine and three quarters, I live with my mum and two sisters, and my dad, well...my dad, he ran away.

Film Progression..

So after my idea to base the opening two minutes of a film on the theme of a plastic bag, in the genre of a mockumentary, went horribly wrong and didn't work, I decided to do something else.


The film I'm currently in the process of editing is about a young girl called Amelia Archer, who at the age of nine is a budding poet, the opening two minutes consists of her reading out a poem she has written about her dad who ran away leaving behind his three girls and wife for another woman. based on a true story. I have decided to call the film 'A broken promise'

So far in class i have put together just over the first minute. I will be posting my storyboards and what i have done so far in the next few days. Apologies for the lack of blog updating recently due to family commitments, but will keep on top of it from now on.


these are a few snaps of what i have done so far, these are accompanied by music and audio (voice over) which is a nine year old speaking.

With this filming, I ahve tried to use different shots, using a wide randge of angles and i ahve cross cut scenes, and also used transition within the audio and music so it's flowing and doesn;t jump from one piece of music to the next.

Story Boarding...

This is just a Story Board, which is a drawn order in which I'm going to shoot my shots!

Here is the establishing shot, which will pan from high to low or left to right.

Media Ownership

Some nations can influence and control their media greatly. In addition, powerful corporations also have enormous influence on mainstream media.
In some places major multinational corporations own media stations and outlets. Often, many media institutions survive on advertising fees, which can lead to the media outlet being influenced by various corporate interests. Other times, the ownership interests may affect what is and is not covered. Stories can end up being biased or omitted so as not to offend advertisers or owners. The ability for citizens to make informed decisions is crucial for a free and functioning democracy but now becomes threatened by such concentration in ownership.
The idea of corporate media itself may not be a bad thing, for it can foster healthy competition and provide a check against governments. However, the concern is when there is a concentration of ownership due to the risk of increased economic and political influence that can itself be unaccountable.

Media cross-ownership is the ownership of multiple media businesses by a person or corporation. These businesses can include broadcast and cable television, radio, newspaper, book publishing, video games, and various online entities. Much of the debate over concentration of media ownership in the United States has for many years focused specifically on the ownership of broadcast stations, cable stations, newspapers and websites. Meaning, that when one organization owned any two of these media outlets, that organization was involved in "cross-ownership."

The Big 6
1. General Electric

Which has media outlets such as NBC and Telemundo, Universal Pictures, Focus Features, 26 television stations in the USA and cable networks MSNBC, Bravo, CNBC, The Weather Channel and Syfy. GE also owns 80 percent of NBC Universal. As of 2011, GE's share in these companies has been sold to Comcast, who themselves own Versus, style., G4, E!, Comcast SportsNet, the Philadelphia 76ers and Philadelphia Flyers. The company operates through four segments: Energy, Technology Infrastructure, Capital Finance and Consumer & Industrial

2. Walt Disney Company

Is the largest media conglomerate in the world in terms of revenue. Founded on October 16, 1923, by Walt and Roy Disney as the Disney Brothers Cartoon Studio, Walt Disney Productions established itself as a leader in the American animation industry before diversifying into live-action film production, television, and travel. Taking on its current name in 1986, The Walt Disney Company expanded its existing operations and also started divisions focused upon theatre, radio, publishing, and online media. In addition, it has created new divisions of the company in order to market more mature content than it typically associates with its flagship family-oriented brands.

The company is best known for the products of its film studio, the Walt Disney Motion Pictures Group, and today one of the largest and best-known studios in Hollywood. Disney also owns and operates the ABC broadcast television network; cable television networks such as Disney Channel, ESPN, A&E Television Networks, and ABC Family; publishing, merchandising, and theatre divisions; and owns and licenses 14 theme parks around the world. The company has been a component of the Dow Jones Industrial Average since May 6, 1991. An early and well-known cartoon creation of the company, Mickey Mouse, is the official mascot of The Walt Disney Company.

3. News Corporation

News Corp is an American multinational media conglomerate. It is the worlds second largest media conglomerate in terms of revenue. The companys chairman and chief executive is Rupert Mordoch. Holdings include: the Fox Broadcasting Company; television and cable networks such as Fox, Fox Business Channel, National Geographic and FX; print publications including the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post and TVGuide; the magazines Barron's and SmartMoney; book publisher HarperCollins; film production companies 20th Century Fox, Fox Searchlight Pictures and Blue Sky Studios; numerous websites including MarketWatch.com; and non-media holdings including the National Rugby League.

4. Time Warner

holdings including: CNN, the CW (a joint venture with CBS), HBO, Cinemax, Cartoon Network, TBS, TNT, America Online, MapQuest, Moviefone, Warner Bros. Pictures, Castle Rock and New Line Cinema, and more than 150 magazines including Time, Sports Illustrated, Fortune, Marie Claire and People.

5.Viacom

Holdings include: MTV, Nickelodeon/Nick at Nite, VH1, BET, Comedy Central, Paramount Pictures, Paramount Home Entertainment, Atom Entertainment, and music game developer Harmonix. Viacom 18 is a joint venture with the Indian media company Global Broadcast News.

6. CBS Corporation

Owns the CBS Television Network, CBS Television Distribution Group, the CW (a joint venture with Time Warner), Showtime, book publisher Simon & Schuster, 30 television stations, and CBS Radio, Inc., which has 130 stations. CBS is now the leading supplier of video to Google’s new Video Marketplace.

Production Logo

Production Logo 1 - scrapped.
Since the break during christmas, i had to analyse what skills were needed to animate my production logo, going by the idea of 'gnawfolk productions' the outcome was not good, and i realised when talking with James that, I would have to use skills that we have not learnt yet, as this was all A2 stuff. Kind of set my self an unrealisticv goal. So i had to tyhink of a new production label...and here it is. Dog Paw productions.

It starts off with paws travelling across the screen,

 they then all fade,

bar one which the focus is then on that one, zooms in to it,

 and fades into the words 'dog paw' which are ironically in the shape of a dog paw.

This Morning with Fitzpatrick

Our task in class today was to come up with an innovative way of pitching our film! We were asked to work in groups of three, and I was in a group which consisted of Alice, Caitli and myself. We came up with the idea of doing a chat show, howevr for us three to be in it pitching our ideas, we needed a chat show host. Luckily Hannah Fitzpatrick had a free and was willing to be our host.

The script and shot ideas!

The open plains of the aspalt Jungle (Establishing shot - of housing estate or something)

Home to many creatures big and small, and the pupping ground for some of the world’s most illustrious creatures, One, the plastic bag. (go to Waitrose or similar super Market and video people putting shopping in their car)

Today we explore the cycle of life for this curious creature the plastic bag on it’s migration home to the pacific ocean. (Title comes in…’The plastic bag’) (Showing a clip of the plastci bag in the sea, or in water)

Once released in to the wild the plastic bag is unsure of itself, it falters at first, but soon with some help from the wind, the bag will be airborne.  (plastic bag floating across a street, eventually being taken into the air)

This flight will be the first of its long journey to its final destination, The garbage patch in the heart of the Pacific ocean.

Using the wind to guide it the plastic bag moves across the city through the air. (The plastic bag floating from the air closer to the ground, I would like this shot to be like the feather in forest gump)

A city park, at first may seem an idyllic place for the plastic bag, but danger lurks round every corner.  Here it will encounter many enemies, including one of the most dangerous, park services. (one gets picked up by a bin man) – Poor little fella, looks like his journey ends here. (clip of a plastic bag travelling through the park, and getting picked up by a bin man and being placed into a bin)

Meanwhile our little bag has uncounted one of nature’s most deadly killers, The Springadore. Once the springadore has locked on to it’s victim, There’s very little hope of survival, but using it’s superior size and deft manoeuvring, our bag manages to escape the springadore talons a flea for it’s life. (This part I may not include, it uses a dog, I only put down springadore - labradore cross springer spaniel -  because this is one of my dogs who when she was a puppy used to try and get plastic bags at any opportunity - dangerous, i know - but I don't know whether she would chase after one anymore)

Over the course of it’s migration, the plastic bag will cover vast distances. Through neighbourhoods, across parks, and down city streets. (clip of the bag travelling down a city street, across a park and through neighbour hoods - I'm sure i could do this at Hearts farm in wymondham - if that's what it's called)

As at home in water as it is on land and in air, the bags natural buoyancy makes it an excellent swimmer! (The bag floating down a river, giving the effect of it travelling to the mouth where it can then be released in to the sea, hence the next line)

It’s close now, and it can feel it.

The bag will travel thousands of miles to join the thriving community known as the great pacific garbage patch. This Magnificent Patch is a veritable plastic oasis, where millions of tonnes of plastic garbage remained trapped by the currents.

Never actually biodegrading, here the plastic bag can live, peacefully, co-existing with billions of other petroleum species. Thus completing the plastic cycle of life.

THE END FOR THE OPENING TWO MINS.

Voice Ideas: Ideaily I would like the tone of my narration to be David Attenbourgh, like thats going to happen, so I think I'm going to have to find someone witha fairly monotone, soothing voice to read this script, permission permitting obviously!

Inspiration behind my idea
Because i wanted to do a mockumentary, I have recentlt been watching Documentarys including david Attenbourgh. I listened to how he says things and the type of words he uses,I have also analysed the way in which he orders the sequences. So most of my script, or the big words initatleastare words from his documentary's on animals (as i'm treating the plastic bag as an animal) and from his latest one frozen planet.

So, for the script...narration over the top of a video. I have come up with a script which i hope will work and won't be too long (It can however be shortened, better too much than too little) and The words in brackets are what I hope the shots will be.

Film Synopsis

Title: The Plastic Bag


Genre: Documentary/ Mockumentary


Core audience: Mainstream Plus, mainly attracting younger people from about the age of 16-24 (a very small target audience) or people who just like a bit of comedy within a documentary. Both females and Males.


Longline: Following the life cycle of a plastic bag on it's journey or migration to the great paciffic garbage patch, where it will join it's other petroleum species, in it's natural habitat. It videos it's long journey capturing the many enimies and encounters that it faces during it's path.

In the opening credits of the film, there will be a short narration, I have written a script for what i would like to be said. The video will be clips of the plastic bag floating in various locations, accompanied with narration, eventually with the title coming in over the video picture.

Potential Film Ideas...

For my film opening, which will be just two minutes, I have concluded two ideas, and believe me, i changed my mind so many times, it was well into the double figures. However the two i have finalised on are the following;

Idea 1: A drama comedy; I hadn't actually thought of a name for the film, i came up with one whilst briefly thinking of the plot called 'Spencer II' This would tell the story of a child and her best friend spencer, a mouse, who had unfortunately died. This is how I imagined the film starting, a little girl burying a mouse in the soil, giving it a funeral service, in a sweet/ funny way that young children would, the shot pans round to over the child which shows a hand made crucifix saying 'spencer mouse, killed by mummy' prior to all of this in my titles, i would have a few moving photo shots of some time they spent together accompanied by music. These moving photos would have child like drawings over them also. I can't really describe this film, however i know what i would want it to be like in my head if i were doing this particular film. I also have an idea of who (my little sister, of 9 years, who was very keen to be in it and very dissapointed whne i told her i wasn't doing this idea anymore) and where I would do this.

Idea 2: Documentary/ Mocumentary - This is the Idea I have decided to stick to if all goes to plan on the filming. The basic plot for the two minuets is following the life cycle of a plastic bag on it's journey or migration to the great paciffic garbage patch, (A micky take on how plastic bags are clearly harmful to the enviroment, yet they still and up in the ocean, and obviously their natural habitat isn't the ocean, and they aren't species at all) where it will join it's other petroleum species, in it's natural habitat. It videos it's long journey capturing the many enimies and encounters that it faces during it's path. I have decided to do this because I like the idea of narration over a film, and whilst doing some audience research discovered that mockumentary's appeal to many. Although, if this doesn't go to plan i will go back to idea 1. Today in Media when I was telling Mr.Cole about my idea and he put a new idea in my head (just when I had it sorted aswell) and said i could follow the life of a man, who has an obsession with plastic bags, and you could walk into his house and he could have plastic bags pinned up on all of the walls, and he could have his favorites, for example 'The somerfields 1991 special'

Media Production Label Ideas



 For my Media Production Label I have had an idea of sing a play on words. I just wanted to do something simple and as it was being filmed in norfolk, i came to the conclusion of using 'Norfolk productions' However as my original idea for the opening two minutes of a film was going to include a mouse, i used 'Gnawfolk' as mice gnaw on things. I have decided to stick with the idea even though my idea has changed.


We have been studying production Company Idents, and all have some form of animation in them, so for mine i had an idea of a mouse Taking out bite out of some cheese, then zooming out to show nibbles gone from the 'W' in 'Gnawfolk' However we dont have the facilities for that and i would be setting myself a bit of  long winded impossible task, that would be very time consuming, and although i would very much like to have done that i have to think of the filming and editing. So my idea now would just to maybe have a mouse running across the screen.

Ross...

In Mr.Coles lesson last friday we were given the task of writting a story. Firatly we had to arrange ourself in age order, which you'd think is a simple task for a buch of A-level students however it took far too long! Mr.Cole gave us the first part of the story which went 'Ross a _____ year old male woke up and looked around him, he was...' From here onwards we had to write part of a story, which we were given a couple of minutes to do and then pass it on to the person sitting next to us. So by the end of the lesson we would have a number of peoples inputs to a story. So this is how my story went;

Ross, a 90 year old male woke up and looked around him, he was in an care home surrounded by more elders of a similar age to him sitting in arms chairs. He was a skinny, frail, very pale old man with a thining grey combover, he had extremely thin lips accompanied by very few teeth, He wears a Dark Green Robe paired with an old leather flying cap and in his wrinkly shaking hands he clenched a toy plane.
A knife and fork were thrust into his hands - it was time for dinner. Ross hated dinner here, they always forced him to eat things he didnt like and he especially hated it when they interpreted his thoughts. He looked at the gleaming cutlery and slow begn to eat with a frown on his face.
''Coffee Dear?'' Came a voice from his left. ''NO you know i hate coffee at at the best of times. You call yourself a Carer? Pffftt. You couldn;t even dress yourself appropriTELY TODy...red skirt, fishnet stockings, a purple jumper and a green scarf...Even i can tell that you look ridiculous...just think about what the other old gits think about you'' She tured away briskly looking rather hot and flustered; a loud crash could be heard as she ran into the lobby. Bert, the old crazy fool from 9a just laughed. ''Laughter, such a pleasant sound''
Ross thought of his daughter who was due to come and visit him today, now he'd been waiting weeks to see her, but something always came up. Her mum was ill, his heart attacks, The nurses strike. he'd even gone to the the kitchen to make a special request for a cake to be made on her arrival. Of course he was refused, neverthe less, he asked. ''Dear the phones for you' He wheeled his chair to the office and the receptionist handed it over with one of the most special smiles. ''Hi paps?'' ''Yes is that you Charlotte?'' ''Yeah it is, oh paps, it's mum somethings happened''
He listened carefully. To a passer the gentle buzz could only be a greeting - an average call about the day, the waether...
But to Ross it was the moment when his last hope collapsed. He looked at the reciever in grief, only holduing it by the tips of his fingers. He opened his dry mouth, and it trembled. After what could have felt like an hour, he mearly said ''okay'' - and let his arm drop the phone. His fingeres gripped on to the air, They were like little spider legs. His ees lurched as tears glistened at the corner of his red eyes. The tears seemed to shatter. ''She's gone. It's all over!''

I have highlighted in different colours from where a new person added something else on to the story, the forst bit in blue writting was mine.
I pictured the narration, following on from mine, to be something along the world war II lines, and how he always spoke about his past, I didn't expect the story to jump so much, forexample there was a bi about a carer in inappropriate clothing, and there was nothing more written about it, and then it just jumped to the sad news of his daughters mum dying. This also made no connection to the point that it was his daughters mum however wasn't his wife or ex-wife. It also talks about him 'wheeling himself over to the phone' there's no story behing why he's in a wheelchair, i wouldn;t have put him in one if i had carried on the narration. I would have hoped that the story could have follwed on from my idea little better, for exaple the description i gave of Ross the 90 year old, and the props he was wearing/holding. 
This is how i'd imaging the old man to look..